Dear Bowser of Super Mario Bros

We are having an issue here, my dearest friend. It appears you won't let me win. Why! Simply put, I don't understand why we can't be friends. I understand that you were created by people who want to proliferate the use of shrooms. It's ok, I don't judge you. But let's just be honest, why do you keep sending nazi turtles and mutant plants to eat me? It's bad enough that I have to play mario who's english is barely understandable. It's bad enough that I just know at the end of the story he'll get the girl. He, Mario. It's like an insult to my own life. He can get girls... but me? So you see, you are cause much lamentation on my part. 

Perhaps you think you are helping me, squirting lava on mario and random times. I understand that you think it'll make me feel better if he never rescues princess Peach and never gets the girl. But in all honesty, this has to stop. I've become like a crack addict now and it is seriously hindering my functionality. I'm on the last level, but you just won't let me win. So I quit and go do something of use to my life. But then I feel stupid because I have been bested by a machine, thus I return. It has become a very vicious cycle.

Oh, so now half way through writing this, you decided to let me win. I see how it is, you decide to just make me feel bad and let mario get the girl. Really? She's at least a foot taller than him even though Mario ate a mushroom. Now he's jumping up and down like a boy who just discovered what he can do with his hand. AND SHE'S ABSOLUTELY SMITTEN? What is this! 

Even more, I don't understand why I had to control mario through these many stressful obstacles (since when do plants spit fire?!) to save a princess who flies down to him after I kill you, Bowser. Secretly she's an attention whore, I know. I mean she could have flown away when you were carrying her away, but no, she instead decides to make Mario run after her. I really don't know who I'm more disgusted with, Peach or Mario. It's a very difficult choice. Maybe I should have sided with you, after all you were trying to kill Mario and capture Peach. Now, I totally understand you're actions.

But apparently this is not the end of the game, a secret world? That is just like you, getting my hopes up and then crushing them again. But of course none of the levels are playable. I have to replay the whole game again, Bowser? Is that it? You're dead now! How are you doing this!

In all honesty I kind of miss you, you were like a big spiky turtle with red hair. I definitely would have adopted you if you were real. You would have made a great guard dog. Sadly you are dead now :'[. 

It appears I was wrong about you Bowser, you just saw the whole picture. If there is anything I can do to help, please tell me... even though you're dead.

-Stefan