Monday, August 23, 2010


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Sunday, August 22, 2010

How Stefan Lost his Kidneys

So today I was just snacking on some gummy vites, because they're good for me, and absolutely delicious. Of course normally the gummy vites I eat have a serving size of 3 so I figure my body can handle 12. And it has been working pretty well for the whole duration of gummy vite eating life. But then today:

TWO. Serving size of TWO. My God, this is madness. It's like giving a crack addict a bottle full of cocaine then saying he can only snort a line a day. I mean shit. But this got me thinking... what would actually happen if I overdosed on vitamins? I thought of this:

So here I am just chilling, popping a couple gummy vites.

I know that I'm at about 12, but they're just way to good. So a keep going:

When all of a sudden!

At first I'm a little sorry. I mean I'm hurting them! But then as a think about it, I become enraged.

How dare my kidney's talk to me like that! I am their God damn master. MASTER. I control them. Who're they calling asshole?! So out of retribution, I keep eating.

And the weird thing is, nothing happens. My kidney's don't ache a little like their bitchy little whiny selves probably would after having to filter 500% of my daily vitamin A. So life goes on. 

Then, soon after... while relieving myself of a couple extra pounds....

My kidney's strike back.

And then I realize the consequence of my actions.

After the initial depression and countless hours of dialysis, I would bring it upon myself to write a letter to the Gummy Vite Corporation.

And they would not respond.
The end.

And that is how I would most likely lose my kidneys. But see, I don't understand why they put so many vitamins in just one gummy vite. Why not make the serving size ten, because that's how much most people I know take. It's like a good business move... less vitamins per bottle of gummy vites, people go through the bottles faster. All that means is more money for Gummy Vite Corp! (If that's what they're called). 

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Harry Potter is NOT for Little Kids

Here I am watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when my grandma walks in and asks, "What is this show? Isn't this the thing for little kids?" For some reason I was immediately offended.

I responded, "It is not for little kids, grandma"

Grandma: Then what is it!

Me: It's Harry Potter! How could you NOT know this?!

Grandma: So it is for little kids!

For some reason I felt like this was an assault on my manhood. Its not MY fault that Harry Potter is the best thing ever (Cedric>Jacob). My life's purpose it to secretly be a wizard. In fact I'm convinced that my Hogwarts letter was sent to my old address accidentally. I'm sincerely sorry for whoever moved into that house, Dumbledore is obviously sending massive amounts of letters to their house.

Anyway, I'm slightly disappointed that my grandma does not approve of my future career choice.

EDIT: Later on, my dad came in the room and asked whether we could watch something else. I asked why and he responded by saying that we should watch a move for mature people. Why is everyone against me being a wizard?!

EDITx2: So now I'm watching the goblet of fire and I'm at the ball scene. For some reason I find it really entertaining. I mean its like a formal wizard thing but they're all wizards! Like ninjas! It's the same sort of feeling I get when I watch a spy movie and they all go to a party. It's ten times cooler than usual because they're spies... They're just gonna break out with their guns and start throwing ninja moves. I get the same feeling from this ball scene as well.

P.S. Hermione is kinda hot when she gets all dressed up. Just saying.

Deep down, I'm a ninja

I consider myself to be quite the tricky little fellow. Deep down I'm fairly certain that I was trained as a ninja from a young age, but my parents never told me because they thought I'd use my powers for evil (it's ok mom and dad, you can tell me now). For instance I always manage to ninja my way out of cleaning my room. I've discovered through multiple experiments, some upon baby hamsters, that my parents tell how clean my room is by how it smells. I have exploited this weakness. I am not proud of it, but I'm a ninja deep down, it's what we do. All I do is whenever they start complaining about how dirty my room is, I just whip out a can of febreeze and spray like crazy. I could join molly maid with my mad cleaning skillz (yes, with a z).

I have also mastered the art of being mean... sneakily. Simply put, I tell my friends that I'm slowly trying to be nicer to them so whenever I'm going to say something mean, I say pineapple instead. It actually takes a quite of bit of work to say something witty, but mean and deeming at the same time. Sarcasm is alright for a while, but after that natural wit and charm have to enter so that one can reach their full douchebag potential. The use of pineapple makes life so much easier. Whenever there is a moment when I WOULD say something mean, I don't have to even think about it, I just have to say pineapple. In addition, it has the added bonus effect that they don't know what they did or said to initiate the pineapple, and thus they wrack their brains for the rest of the day wondering what it was. It is very effective. Of course over the years this will condition my brain to associate with cruelty and meanness, but I don't like pineapples so its not that bad.

On second thought, I can totally see this pineapple thing backfiring. I mean, in the future I'll be on some exotic island and I'll meet some hot woman and she'll want to eat pineapple because that's what you do on exotic islands. Of course every time I look/smell/touch/hear/taste the pineapple I won't be able to stop thinking of people disemboweling puppies. It'll all just go downhill from there. I bet that just put a bit off a downer on your day. If it makes you feel better, those puppies were going to grow up to bite your genitals off.

MORE evidence that I am a ninja is that I have regularly broken into my house, even though I had a key.   That is like pure ninja instinct. In fact, I regularly practice climbing from my window onto the roof, then jumping down to the ground. If the UNA (Underground Ninja Association) ever needs my powers, I have to show them that I'm ready, right? I have tried parkour and freerunning but  it just appear to have infuriated my neighbors who are probably going to sprinkle nails all over the fences now, JUST to keep me from reaching my full ninja potential. In addition, I believe that Travis Barker neighbor has been banging twice as hard at night in order to annoy me. A ninja never backs down though.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Technocrati Claim

I want more people to read my blog... so go go gadget Technocrati! 8E5WEWZ6P2MV

Dear Neighbor

You are being very loud right now and due to the fact that I am unable to make myself deaf, I am unable to sleep. This isn't a one time sort of thing, I'm pretty sure you are the reason I have become partially nocturnal. Which in a way helps me fulfill my dream of being an owl. People called it being weird, I call it being an individual.

But anyways, let's just be honest here. I understand that you love your drums. I understand you are going to be the next Travis Barker. But honestly? If this continues I will be forced to ask God to rain velociraptors and rhinoceros onto your house. Then I shall take a velociraptor and name him Skippy, and anyone that ever reads this blog will want to come visit. 

If you don't want a backyard full of rhinoceros and velociraptors (why wouldn't you?!), I would advise you to find something else to bang on at night. Or someone. Thousands of woman are probably profusely attracted to your mad banging skills. Indulge in the fruits of  your labor, dammit, and let me sleep.

Dear Bowser of Super Mario Bros

We are having an issue here, my dearest friend. It appears you won't let me win. Why! Simply put, I don't understand why we can't be friends. I understand that you were created by people who want to proliferate the use of shrooms. It's ok, I don't judge you. But let's just be honest, why do you keep sending nazi turtles and mutant plants to eat me? It's bad enough that I have to play mario who's english is barely understandable. It's bad enough that I just know at the end of the story he'll get the girl. He, Mario. It's like an insult to my own life. He can get girls... but me? So you see, you are cause much lamentation on my part. 

Perhaps you think you are helping me, squirting lava on mario and random times. I understand that you think it'll make me feel better if he never rescues princess Peach and never gets the girl. But in all honesty, this has to stop. I've become like a crack addict now and it is seriously hindering my functionality. I'm on the last level, but you just won't let me win. So I quit and go do something of use to my life. But then I feel stupid because I have been bested by a machine, thus I return. It has become a very vicious cycle.

Oh, so now half way through writing this, you decided to let me win. I see how it is, you decide to just make me feel bad and let mario get the girl. Really? She's at least a foot taller than him even though Mario ate a mushroom. Now he's jumping up and down like a boy who just discovered what he can do with his hand. AND SHE'S ABSOLUTELY SMITTEN? What is this! 

Even more, I don't understand why I had to control mario through these many stressful obstacles (since when do plants spit fire?!) to save a princess who flies down to him after I kill you, Bowser. Secretly she's an attention whore, I know. I mean she could have flown away when you were carrying her away, but no, she instead decides to make Mario run after her. I really don't know who I'm more disgusted with, Peach or Mario. It's a very difficult choice. Maybe I should have sided with you, after all you were trying to kill Mario and capture Peach. Now, I totally understand you're actions.

But apparently this is not the end of the game, a secret world? That is just like you, getting my hopes up and then crushing them again. But of course none of the levels are playable. I have to replay the whole game again, Bowser? Is that it? You're dead now! How are you doing this!

In all honesty I kind of miss you, you were like a big spiky turtle with red hair. I definitely would have adopted you if you were real. You would have made a great guard dog. Sadly you are dead now :'[. 

It appears I was wrong about you Bowser, you just saw the whole picture. If there is anything I can do to help, please tell me... even though you're dead.