Saturday, August 21, 2010

Deep down, I'm a ninja

I consider myself to be quite the tricky little fellow. Deep down I'm fairly certain that I was trained as a ninja from a young age, but my parents never told me because they thought I'd use my powers for evil (it's ok mom and dad, you can tell me now). For instance I always manage to ninja my way out of cleaning my room. I've discovered through multiple experiments, some upon baby hamsters, that my parents tell how clean my room is by how it smells. I have exploited this weakness. I am not proud of it, but I'm a ninja deep down, it's what we do. All I do is whenever they start complaining about how dirty my room is, I just whip out a can of febreeze and spray like crazy. I could join molly maid with my mad cleaning skillz (yes, with a z).

I have also mastered the art of being mean... sneakily. Simply put, I tell my friends that I'm slowly trying to be nicer to them so whenever I'm going to say something mean, I say pineapple instead. It actually takes a quite of bit of work to say something witty, but mean and deeming at the same time. Sarcasm is alright for a while, but after that natural wit and charm have to enter so that one can reach their full douchebag potential. The use of pineapple makes life so much easier. Whenever there is a moment when I WOULD say something mean, I don't have to even think about it, I just have to say pineapple. In addition, it has the added bonus effect that they don't know what they did or said to initiate the pineapple, and thus they wrack their brains for the rest of the day wondering what it was. It is very effective. Of course over the years this will condition my brain to associate with cruelty and meanness, but I don't like pineapples so its not that bad.

On second thought, I can totally see this pineapple thing backfiring. I mean, in the future I'll be on some exotic island and I'll meet some hot woman and she'll want to eat pineapple because that's what you do on exotic islands. Of course every time I look/smell/touch/hear/taste the pineapple I won't be able to stop thinking of people disemboweling puppies. It'll all just go downhill from there. I bet that just put a bit off a downer on your day. If it makes you feel better, those puppies were going to grow up to bite your genitals off.

MORE evidence that I am a ninja is that I have regularly broken into my house, even though I had a key.   That is like pure ninja instinct. In fact, I regularly practice climbing from my window onto the roof, then jumping down to the ground. If the UNA (Underground Ninja Association) ever needs my powers, I have to show them that I'm ready, right? I have tried parkour and freerunning but  it just appear to have infuriated my neighbors who are probably going to sprinkle nails all over the fences now, JUST to keep me from reaching my full ninja potential. In addition, I believe that Travis Barker neighbor has been banging twice as hard at night in order to annoy me. A ninja never backs down though.

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